What price love?

Orli Ross of NYC recently paid $10,000 for a [failed] matchmaking attempt. (The video is 11 minutes and probably not worth your time.)

I am tempted to use this post to explore the willingness to pay for a "suitable" mate, but I will resist the urge. Instead, Orli, if you are out there, I would like to offer some advice...

Understand this: Love is not something you go in search of; it is not even something that finds you. "Love at first sight," if that is what you are looking for, is not love -- it is infatuation.

Love is intimacy, passion, and commitment. Intimacy means sharing things that you do not share with anyone else. Passion includes physical attraction and lust, but you can do as the nice matchmaking ladies said and put your hot pants away because it is not love if you do not call it love and have desire to maintain commitment.

You need all three things for it to be love. Without commitment it is just romantic love, without passion it is just a good friend, and without intimacy it is just a Britney Spears Vegas wedding. (Not K-Fed, the other one.)

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Now, some suggestions on how to attract a mate...

Proximity, similarity, familiarity. Look for others who are physically close, similar to you, and familiar with you -- maybe a friend or acquaintance? These are the people with which you are most likely to find mutual attraction.

You can also exploit psychological biases to attract someone or make yourself feel attracted to someone. First, meet the person in a place that is likely to raise your heart rate and give you sweaty palms, etc. Maybe take a walk over a shaky rope bridge, or if that is not available in NYC, go see a horror flick -- you both are likely to mis-attribute your biological reactions (increased heart rate, sweaty palms) as attraction.

Also, we are attracted to people whose regard for us is gaining over time, so start low in displays of admiration. Playing hard to get works.

Finally, take care to look competent most of the time, but throw in some occasional blunders. Maybe "accidentally" spill ketchup all over your shirt because occasional blunders bring people down to earth and make them more attractive. (Blunder too often, though, and you will just look incompetent.)

I hope this finds you, Orli, and that you won't mind sending a little of the $$ I just saved you.

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Most of the ideas in this post came from Yale Provost Peter Salovey's lecture on love.