First, contrary to popular belief, Huston found that many newlyweds are far from blissfully in love. Second, couples whose marriages begin in romantic bliss are particularly divorce-prone because such intensity is too hard to maintain. Believe it or not, marriages that start out with less "Hollywood romance" usually have more promising futures. Accordingly, and this is the third major finding, spouses in lasting but lackluster marriages are not prone to divorce, as one might suspect; their marriages are less fulfilling to begin with, so there is no erosion of a Western-style romantic ideal. Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, it is the loss of love and affection, not the emergence of interpersonal issues, that sends couples journeying toward divorce.
Moral of the story: Pick a spouse who is fair and decent, but whom you are not madly attracted to? Better yet, to avoid the influence of hormonal irrationality, have your parents select your mate?
I wonder how effective is the strategy of selecting a mate based on minimizing the probability of divorce. Certainly divorce can have devastating consequences, but is it so bad that we should prioritize divorce probability above all else? (I am asking because I really want to know what people think, particularly married people, and people who have personally felt the consequences of divorce.)
My completely uninformed reaction is that marriage without love is lame. Love, according the the psychology literature, equals intimacy, passion, and commitment. What I think the above research is suggesting is that it is better to enter a marriage with a low quotient on the passion element. But without passion, it is not love -- just a good friend. Again I say marriage without love is lame.
If expectations are the problem, lower your expectations up front -- at least be realistic in knowing that your marital satisfaction is likely to decrease over time. Better yet, drop all your expectations.
Would greatly appreciate any feedback. If the comments section is not for you, please feel free to email justinwehr[at]gmail.com.
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Earlier:
1. Divorce is extremely expensive according to happiness research, at least for men:
To the average man, divorce hurts nearly twice as much as the combined happiness gains of marriage and the birth of a child. To the average woman, on the other hand, the combined effect of marriage and the birth of a child is more than twice as good as divorce is bad.
2. What price love?
