People everywhere perceive a considerable difference between male and female empathy:
Cross-cultural studies confirm that women everywhere are considered more empathetic than men, so much so that the claim has been made the the female (but not male) brain is hardwired for empathy.
Frans de Waal responds this way:
I doubt the difference is that absolute, but it's true that at birth girl babies look longer at faces than boy babies. Growing up, girls are more prosocial than boys, better readers of emotional expressions, more attuned to voices, more remorseful after having hurt someone, and better at taking another's perspective. Boys are less attentive to the feelings of others, more action- and object-oriented, rougher in their play, and less inclined to social fantasy games.
So there do appear to be significant differences between boys and girls. And of course there is a cultural aspect, too:
Men can be quite dismissive of empathy. It's not particularly manly to admit it, and one reason why it has taken so long for research in this area to take off is undoubtedly that academics saw empathy as a bleeding-heart topic associated with the weaker sex.
There are questions about whether the differences observed between boys and girls persist with age:
Despite the association of empathy with women rather than men, some studies paint a more complex picture. They call gender differences in this regard "exaggerated," even "nonexistent." These claims are puzzling given the well-documented differences between boys and girls.
But it might just be the way psychologists study empathy:
Are we to believe that the sexes converge with age? My guess is that they don't, and that the confusion stems from the way men and women have been tested by psychologists. Asked about loved ones, such as their parents, wife, children, and close friends, most men are plenty empathetic. The same applies in relation to unfamiliar, neutral parties. Men are perfectly willing to empathize under such circumstances, the way they often can't keep their eyes dry in romantic or tragic movies.
But things change radically when men enter a competitive mode, such as when they're advancing their interests or career. Suddenly, there's little room for softer feelings. Men can be brutal toward potential rivals: Anyone who stands in the way has to be taken down.
So the primary difference in empathy between males and females is that male empathy seems to have an off switch when it comes to rivals. De Waal emphasizes the point using the example of baboons:
Robert Sapolsky, who occasionally tranquilizes wild baboons, learned the hard way how dangerous it is to dart a male in front of his rivals. As soon as the darted male's walk becomes unsteady, others close in, seeing a perfect opportunity to get him. There is no problem with females, but male baboons are always ready to take advantage of another's weakness.
De Waal speculates that this understanding of empathy could help explain men's relative unwillingness to visit the doctor:
In modern society, it's often said that men don't go to the doctor as easily as women because they have been socialized to act tough, but what if there's a much deeper reason? Perhaps males always feel surrounded by others hoping for them to stumble.
The conclusion, then, is that male empathy is probably not much less intense than female empathy (on average), but that it is just applied more selectively:
The opposite occurs when men are in the company of trusted parties. Often this will be a wife or girlfriend, but it extends to their best male buddies. Men value nothing more than loyalty, and in these situations they do show vulnerability, which elicits sympathy.
It's possible, then, that male sensitivity to others is conditional, aroused mostly by family and friends. For those who don't belong to the inner circle, and especially those who act like rivals, the empathy switch remains turned off.
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This is probably exactly the kind of psychological test that Frans would criticize because it doesn't adequately distinguish between rivals and non-rivals, but here are 60 questions to test your "Empathy Quotient" (hat tip: Harrison). (I scored a 58, but might get a considerably different score if I took it again. I didn't feel confident with a lot of my responses.)
