I used to enjoy waking up to see what little gifts have been left for me in my inbox, but now every morning I wake up to see what disasters eHarmony has wrought.
To give you a taste of what I mean, here is a sampling of recent subject lines:
Meet Kristin: She could be what you've been looking for.
Meet Ashley and see what a difference compatibility can make.
Meet Aubrey and see if you find a spark.
Meet Laura: We've matched you on the important areas of life.
Meet Heather: Someone as unique as you are.
Mrs. Right could be inside this email - here is today's match!
To you, that may seem like a little harmless cheesiness, but to me it represents everything that is despicable about online dating.
They’re right, of course: Mrs. Right’s smiling face *could* be inside this electronic message, since, after all, we match on up to 29 proven dimensions of compatibility. You see, eHarmony has done the hard work for us. They’ve used Science! and Data! and Personality Profiles! to rigorously determine whether the two of y’all got a snowball’s chance. That’s the service you’re paying for, they say.
But what if I don’t want Mrs. Right to appear in my inbox? What if I’m just looking for an available girl to have a cup of coffee with, or maybe to take our dogs for a walk? What if Mrs. Right can’t be found even with 29 proven dimensions of compatibility? What if Mrs. Right can’t even be “found”?
It’s too much pressure. If having a cup of coffee feels like interviewing wife candidates, then my coffee is going to taste like shit. The conversation likewise.
I can understand why eHarmony takes this approach, because, in a way, they are trying to solve the biggest problem we cats in developed countries face. To see what I mean, consider this question:
If you could have one of these and only one of these, which would you choose?:
Live to 170 years old, die peacefully in your sleep, have a good, rewarding job, and have a salary of $1,000,000 a month.
OR
Have a spouse whom you love and who loves you in return.
If you even had to think about that, then you must really want some good spouse action. I smell a business opportunity. And so did eHarmony.
I imagine some suburban white kids sitting in a conference room, drawing on their white boards with excitement. We can solve this problem! We’ll set up an online marketplace! Singles can mingle from the comfort of their keyboards! And we’ll add a Matching Algorithm® to filter out the likeliest Mrs. Rights!
Really, though, guys, I just want coffee.
In fairness, not all dating sites are this way. OkCupid is much less bad in this regard, but OkCupid has its own set of problems. In the end, I don’t think it’s a problem of site design as much as it is a problem with the theory of online dating, and I’ve barely begun to complain about all the things that bother me.
Offline dating is hard enough. The hardest thing, I think, is being emotionally detached enough that you are able to maintain some level of mental stability while at the same time being emotionally involved enough that you have genuine interest in this person and make yourself vulnerable in order to show it.
But that’s a topic for another day.
