Applying for girlfriends

I submitted a cover letter to a girl, attached a resume, and was accepted for an interview. The only thing I didn’t include was phone numbers of ex-girlfriends she could call as reference checks. Maybe that was my mistake.

The interview was strange, because she kind of let me do the interviewing, or at least didn’t object to answering my questions. I wasn’t prepared to be conducting any interviews, so I interrogated her with the first questions that came to mind. Maybe that was my mistake.

Her answers to my questions were satisfactory, but it didn’t really matter because *she* wasn’t the candidate, I later realized.

I sincerely enjoyed the conversation with this girl but in hindsight I realize that’s probably because it was so Justin-skewed. The types of things I like to talk about are interesting to maybe 0.2% of the population and are appropriate for about 0.00000000002% of first dates.

I won’t get too deep into particulars, but you can take my word for it that if you were a fly on the wall, you would’ve been amused, if only for the impressive displays of sheer incompetence. I should probably start charging admission to eavesdroppers.

For example, at one point, although I was a bit aggressive in leading the conversation, she did manage to sneak in a question about my 5 year plans. I took that as an opportunity to discuss the philosophy of pursuing goals.

Probably that was my mistake.

In my defense, I am new to this whole dating business. I’ve had 2.5 serious or semi-serious girlfriends in my “adult” (quotes for irony) life, and they each started as a friend. So I’ve never done dating in any formal sense. My strategy has always been to win over hearts via the brute, persistent force of familiarity. I have no flippin’ clue how I am going to succeed in this dating game because although the attributes on my resume are sufficient to be called in for interviews, it’s going to take much more than an interview for a girl to be able to see through my eccentricities to the beautiful, delicate little core that lies deep within my loveable heart.

I’m starting to wonder whether it might be unethical for me to apply for girlfriends. In a lot of ways, I’m just not fit for one. It’s bad enough to waste the time of these poor girls who don’t know what they’re getting themselves into, but if I manage to convince one that I am actually boyfriend-material, well then they have to face the consequences of that, and I have to face the moral consequences of allowing them to face the consequences of that.

Needless to say, and lucky for her, I was not called back for a second interview.

It’s cool, though. Who needs broads?

(I am now accepting hugs.)

***

This vague post will be as specific as I get about my interactions with girls I meet online or offline, or anyone else for that matter. I made the executive decision awhile ago that I will not write publicly about the particulars of my interactions—for obvious reasons. Namely, that these are *real people* I’m dealing with.

The thing about dating, though – at least so far – is that it seems every bit as dehumanizing as a job interview. I mean you’re there in the flesh, two vaporous transient consciousnesses in an incidental universe, talking about weather patterns or whatnot, all the while knowing that every adjective and eyebrow movement is being unconsciously scrutinized in what will ultimately be a Yes/No judgment.

I think it is to my huge disadvantage that I am aware I am playing that game.