I concur that the book is pretty good stuff, not because the techniques are revolutionary, but because it is really effective at pointing out all the things you’re doing wrong and then offering simple ways to correct it.
For example, there are the seven common ways that well-intentioned people try to be helpful:
I. Denial of Feelings: “There’s no reason to be so upset. It’s foolish to feel that way. You’re probably just tired and blowing the whole thing out of proportion. It can’t be as bad as you make it out to be. Come on, smile… You look so nice when you smile.”
II. The Philosophical Response: “Look, life is like that. Things don’t always turn out the way we want. You have to learn to take things in stride. In this world nothing is perfect.”
III. Advice: “You know what I think you should do? Tomorrow morning go straight to your boss’s office and say, ‘Look, I was wrong.’ Then sit right down and finish that piece of work you neglected today. Don’t get trapped by those little emergencies that come up. And if you’re smart and you want to keep that job of yours, you’ll make sure nothing like that ever happens again.”
IV. Questions: “What exactly were those emergencies you had that would cause you to forget a special request from your boss?”
“Didn’t you realized he’d be angry if you didn’t get to it immediately?”
“Has this ever happened before?”
“Why didn’t you follow him when he left the room and try to explain again?”
V. Defense of the Other Person: “I can understand your boss’s reaction. He’s probably under terrible pressure. You’re lucky he doesn’t lose his temper more often.”
VI. Pity: “Oh you poor thing. That is terrible! I feel so sorry for you, I could just cry.”
VII. Amateur Psychoanalysis: “Has it ever occurred to you that the real reason you’re so upset by this is because your employer represents a father figure in your life? As a child you probably worried about displeasing your father, and when your boss scolded you, it brought back your early fears of rejection. Isn’t that true?”
I’m guilty of having tried all of these. It’s a simple thing, but now that they’ve been laid out like this, I can easily see their suckiness.
When I’m upset or hurting, the last thing I want to hear is advice, philosophy, psychology, or the other fellow’s point of view. That kind of talk only makes me feel worse than before. Pity leaves me feeling pitiful; questions put me on the defensive; and most infuriating of all is to hear that I have no reason to feel what I’m feeling.
But let someone really listen, let someone acknowledge my pain and give me a chance to talk more about what’s troubling me and I begin to feel less upset, less confused, and more able to cope with my feelings and my problems.
The better response, the authors say, goes something like this:
Boy, that sounds like a rough experience. To be subjected to an attack like that in front of other people, especially after having been under so much pressure, must have been pretty hard to take!
The trouble is that the language of empathy does not come naturally to us, and probably especially to us dudes, who often fancy ourselves as problem-solving missiles. I’m reminded of the Chuck Close principle that we are far too concerned with problem solving and not nearly concerned enough with problem creation. That’s a little too abstract and philosophical for what the authors are going for, however, which is that people – including kids – don’t need your stinking help except maybe to assist them in thinking through their own thoughts. And you’re especially not doing them any good by dismissing their complaints.
The authors offer four ways to be less sucky in helping people deal with their problems and feelings:
1. Listen with full attention, quietly and attentively.
2. Acknowledge their feelings with a word. “Oh… Mmm… I see…”
3. Give the feeling a name. “That sounds frustrating!”
4. Give the child his or her wishes in fantasy. “I wish I could make the banana ripe for you right now!”
A.J. explains how this worked with a frustrated stranger:
My first time trying it on a grown-up was one morning at the deli. I was standing behind a guy who was trying unsuccessfully to make a call on his cell.
“Oh come on! I can’t get a signal in here? Dammit. This is New York.”
He looked at me.
“No signal?” I say. “Here in New York?” (Repeat what they say.)
“It’s not like we’re in goddamn Wisconsin.”
“Mmmm.” (Listen. Make soothing noises.)
“We’re not in a farm. It’s New York, for God’s sake,” he said.
“That’s frustrating,” I say. (Label their emotions.)
He calmed down.
A.J. offers one qualifier, though, and that is to conceal your sources. In other words, don’t let people know that you’re using conversational principles gleaned from a book about how to talk with children. He relates an experience with his wife:
Any time I see an adult tantrum brewing, I go right to my guidelines. Like tonight, when I gave our nanny our Netflix DVD of Man on Wire for the night.
“You lent it to Michelle without asking me?”
“I lent it to Michelle.” (Repeating.) “I’m sorry.”
“I was going to watch it tonight.”
“You were going to watch it? Tonight?”
“I’d planned this out for a couple of days.”
“Mmm.”
“This is the second time you’ve done this.”
“I can see how that would be really annoying.”
She paused.
“Do not talk to me like you talk to the boys.”
Damn. She figured it out? Was I too obvious?
“Don’t talk to you like I talk to the boys?” I asked.
“The tone. It’s the one you use with Jasper.”
“That must be frustrating.”
“Stop it!”
***
For my own reference (and for yours, if you want), I have laid out all the book's guidelines below the fold.
Helping Children Deal with Their Feelings
1. Listen with full attention, quietly and attentively.
2. Acknowledge their feelings with a word. “Oh… Mmm… I see…”
3. Give the feeling a name. “That sounds frustrating!”
4. Give the child his or her wishes in fantasy. “I wish I could make the banana ripe for you right now!”
To Engage Cooperation
1. Describe what you see, or describe the problem. “There’s a wet towel on the bed.”
2. Give information. “The towel is getting my blanket wet.”
3. Say it with a word. “The towel!”
4. Describe what you feel. “I don’t like sleeping in a wet bed!”
5. Write a note. “(Above towel rack) Please put me back so I can dry. Thanks! Your Towel.” [I can’t believe they are encouraging passive-aggressive note writing.]
Instead of Punishment
1. Express your feelings strongly—without attacking character. “I’m furious that my new saw was left outside to rust in the rain!”
2. State your expectations. “I expect my tools to be returned after they’ve been borrowed.”
3. Show the child how to make amends. “What this saw needs now is a little steel wool and a lot of elbow grease.”
4. Give the child a choice. “You can borrow my tools and return them, or you can give up the privilege of using them. You decide.”
5. Take action. “Child: Why is the tool box locked? Father: You tell me why.”
6. Problem-solve. “What can we work out so that you can use my tools when you need them, and so that I’ll be sure they’re there when I need them?”
To Encourage Autonomy
1. Let children make choices. “Are you in the mood for your grey pants today, or your red pants?”
2. Show respect for a child’s struggles. “A jar can be hard to open. Sometimes it helps if you tap the side of the lid with a spoon.”
3. Don’t ask too many questions. “Glad to see you. Welcome home.”
4. Don’t rush to answer questions. “That’s an interesting question. What do you think?”
5. Encourage children to use sources outside the home. “Maybe the pet shop owner would have a suggestion.”
6. Don’t take away hope. “So you’re thinking of trying out for the play! That should be an experience.”
Praise and Self-Esteem
1. Describe what you see. “I see a clean floor, a smooth bed, and books neatly lined up on the shelf.”
2. Describe what you feel. “It’s a pleasure to walk into this room!”
3. Sum up the child’s praiseworthy behavior with a word. “You sorted out your pencils, crayons and pens, and put them in separate boxes. That’s what I call organization!”
To Free Children from Playing Roles
1. Look for opportunities to show the child a new picture of himself or herself. “You’ve had that toy since you were three and it almost looks like new!”
2. Put children in situations where they can see themselves differently. “Sara, would you take the screwdriver and tighten the pulls on these drawers?”
3. Let children overhear you say something positive about them. “He held his arm steady even though the shot hurt.”
4. Model the behavior you’d like to see. “It’s hard to lose, but I’ll try to be a sport about it. Congratulations!”
5. Be a storehouse for your child’s special moments. “I remember the time you…”
6. When the child acts according to the old label, state your feelings and/or your expectations. “I don’t like that. Despite your strong feelings, I expect sportsmanship from you.”
