Marriage is a lot like...

My sister’s wedding is 16 days away(!), and I’m supposed to be standing up and saying stuff. A “reading” is what they’re calling it, except that they are trusting me to write my own material. I already made one shitty attempt at a writing, but I realize now that it was way too heavy and David Foster Wallace-y for what they are going for.

I could really use your help, because as you might have deduced from my struggles with online dating, I don’t actually know a lot about this marriage business. In particular, I need help with one of two things:

(1) What good, non-cheesy standard readings do you know that wouldn’t make me vomit as I read them? (For reference, any synonyms of “eternal love” or “everlasting bliss” or “you complete me” are likely to induce regurgitation.)

(2) If I can’t find a good standard reading, then my back up plan is to compile a list of marital-related metaphors, similes, aphorisms, and such things. Please help me find some good’nes! They can be any combination of bizarre, funny, and profound.

As examples, below are some I found/wrote today. Most of these will be too risky and bizarre and pessimistic for the occasion, but maybe they’ll give you an idea of what I’m looking for.

If the comments section is not for you, please feel free to use email: justinwehr@gmail.com

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Marriage changes everything. Suddenly, you’re in bed with a relative.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.

Marriage is like professional wrestling: Both are full-contact sports requiring a ring.

Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.

Marriage is like a three-legged race: It’s hard enough when you’re facing the same direction.

Marriage is like a hot bath. After a while, it’s not so hot.

Marriage is like a tractor trailer: Although it’s battered by forces inside and out, if it’s built well, and if regular reinforcements are provided, who’s to say it can’t keep truckin’?

Marriage is like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich: It’s not the sexiest thing in the world, but if you get the ingredients and the proportions just right, and if you’re hungry for it, it can be enduringly delicious.

Marriage is also like pizza: Something to do with spreading pepperoni around a foundation. I didn’t get that one.

Marriage is nothing like a cucumber. I don’t know why it would be. That doesn’t make any sense.

The formula for a happy marriage is the same as for living in California: When you find a fault, don't dwell on it.

The formula for a happy marriage is the same as for being a happy grandpa or dog: Most problems are solved by naps.

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, “You’re only interested in one thing,” and you can’t remember what it is.

Marriage is like running a marathon: Not so much for the sweat and the struggle but because there sure is a lot of dirty laundry to clean up.

Marriage is like the changing of the seasons. Just kidding, no it isn’t, because you’re stuck with this person for the whole year, plus some.

Marriage is like a beautiful North Carolina day in late September with all the family and friends gathered around a young couple in love. Actually, don’t shoot the messenger, but it’s probably more like all the crap leading up to it. But if you’re lucky, and if you’re patient, and if you work really hard, there’ll be more days like this.

Marriage is kind of like listening to Bob Dylan: If you just have it on as background noise, you’ll be annoyed by the twangyness. But if you really pay attention – if you listen carefully – you’ll find it beautiful and delicate and worth every minute.

Marriage is like letting your little brother speak at your wedding: No one is sure what to expect, everyone is a bit nervous, but in the end, although it was more than a little goofy, it was totally worth it. Maybe.