Metaphorical side boob

One of the 1,042 feeds I subscribe to in Google Reader is Digg, which inundates me with ~60 items per day, almost none of which I ever end up reading. I subscribe purely for the pleasure and insight that comes from learning what the common folk are currently “digging.”

I came across one the other day that might be the Digg-iest of Digg articles ever written. I really believe that if you analyzed the entire history of front-page Digg articles and statistically computed The Most Typical Front-Page Digg Article Ever, this would be it:

“The 100 Hottest Sideboob Photos of All Time (Gallery)”

It has all the elements. It perfectly fits the formula of number + modifier + alluring thingy + time period + what it is (in parens). I could go on for awhile about each element, but the point of this post is not how to write winning Digg titles. The point is that sideboob might be the best metaphor ever.

The challenge I am up against is communicating a metaphor while at the same time not ruining it by over-explaining it, by turning it into an analogy. Nobody likes analogies.

Let me try it this way:

What is it that makes sideboob so alluring? Probably it’s something to do with the fact that you don’t get to see the full boob, and in particular you don’t get to see the nipple, but you do get to see a part that still feels private or unique or special. You are teased a little.

Here is where I make a broad, ballsy statement that probably isn’t completely true: Just about everything that we find alluring or seductive or attractive is that way. The music, movies, books, and people that we find most attractive are the ones that have shown us a thick dose of metaphorical sideboob.

I don’t want to get deep down in the shit of Theory of Aesthetics, but we might need to at least get our toes muddy for me to make my point.

Music: The songs that pull hardest at my heartstrings are the ones where the pace or rhythm does some twisted things to my expectations such that I never quite get rewarded with exactly what I want or expect. As soon as I get exactly what I want or expect, the song has died to me. It has become dull.

Movies: Aren’t the best ones just one giant tease? Isn’t that what plot is? Tease after tease after tease.

Books: Same.

People: The women I seem to find most alluring are, like with music, the ones who keep subtly violating my wants and expectations.

It seems a general rule of aesthetics, then, that the most attractive things show a lot of sideboob but little to no nipple.

This is a little different from common advice like “be mysterious” or “play hard to get.” If you focus on being mysterious you can easily end up looking creepy or weird. If you focus on playing hard to get you can easily end up looking disinterested or difficult. I think what both pieces of advice are going for but fail to properly convey is “show more sideboob.” Show more vulnerabilities or privateness but refrain from giving them exactly what they want or expect.

And since I know a lot of women get their fashion advice from this blog, I’ll add this: Depending on what you’re going for, it’d probably be wise to keep your boobs in your blouse. One of the most common errors women make in dressing themselves is thinking that all guys always want to see as much skin as you can practically get away with showing. But dress that way and you risk looking like a billboard for easy sex.

If you want to know how to dress alluringly, I suggest thinking metaphorical sideboob rather than literal sideboob. It’s not just a matter of flashing some breast tissue; it’s a matter of hinting at what makes you unique or special or vulnerable while not making it clear exactly what that is.

But if you can pull that off while still flashing some breast tissue, by all means, please do.

On a slightly related note, I notice one major fault/gap with this theory. If what people find most attractive is metaphorical sideboob, then how do we explain Internet pornography, which is, to my eye, more than a little heavy on metaphorical nipple?

###

It’s funny how female sideboob (the literal kind) is pretty much universally alluring to guys but the male equivalent of sideboob is so totally NOT attractive to women. As Brian Posehn has pointed out (NSFW, obviously), guys aren’t gonna win ladies’ hearts by walking around showing a little “neck.”