The “I’m outta here” guy returns, dispassionately

You may recall from a couple of days ago that this blog received its first semi-public comment saying “that’s it, I’m outta here.” The commenter’s name is, awesomely, Arj. I’ve always wanted a hater named Arj.

I posted a follow-up saying, basically, “yay, I finally offended someone!” Then Arj made his return last night to dispassionately ensure that I didn’t squeeze any flattery out of it.

You’re wrong, he says, I wasn’t offended. You just suck. (I’m paraphrasing here.)

Arj, I would like to take this opportunity to personally address you in front of 200-250 other primates:

I think this could be the beginning of a special relationship. You think I suck. I think I’m awesome. You want to dispassionately let me know that I suck. I want to use your comments to passionately remind people that I’m awesome.

So let’s get this started out right.

You are neither clever nor funny, he says. And really you’re not even very smart. Given your attributes, it seems unlikely that any respectable woman is ever going to give you her vagina. (I’m paraphrasing again.)

You’re probably going to die alone, he added.

Arj, buddy, how can you be so sure? Life is long and my will is strong and vaginas are aplenty. Maybe you just haven’t heard enough to know how awesome I really am. For instance, here are some facts I’ve never shared publicly because I’m too humble:

• Writing talents recognized early. In 1st grade I was sent around to various classrooms to read aloud my stories about trolls.
• Dated the most popular girl in school in 4th grade. Made out in a hot tub.
• Class president. 8th grade. Boom.
• National Honors Society. 11th-12th grades. Hoot.
• The top-ranked tennis player (and Captain and MVP) for the high school in the whitest and wealthiest zip code in the state of North Carolina.
• Victorious in every ping pong tournament ever entered (3).
• Feature story about me in the Wakefield High School Gazette that included the words “fuzzy balls.”
• College: Two majors. 160-something credit hours. 3.7 GPA. Considered by many to be a genius. Wore slippers to class.
• Present day: A salary in excess of most minor league baseball players’. A blog in excess of most blogs. A dog in excess of most humans named Arj.

I hope this won’t be enough to convince you of my awesomeness, Arj, because I’ve got more.