Because of this experience, I would argue that people who are in relationships are actually in love with their own perception of that person. Therefore, most problems in relationships originate from one person's expectations and the degree in which the significant other's actual behavior deviates from those expectations.
Expectations. If you catalogued all the reasons why people break-up, I’d bet you’d find that one of the most common reasons would be something like “violated expectations,” often stated along the lines of “I feel like I don’t even know you anymore.” Some new action or behavior has been witnessed that didn’t fit with mental models of who that person was, and so the whole system of love – built on knowing and understanding the object of your love – was thrown into doubt, leaving the model-holder feeling very, very uncomfortable and wanting more than anything to escape like a child to their mother, to something/someone they know and can trust. The model-holder got an unasked-for peek at reality, which was experienced as unreality, and it scared the living shit out of them.
Maybe I’m being overly dramatic in that description, but I don’t think so. I’ve been referring to the problem as one of violated “expectations,” a very cold and rational term that you might hear an economist use as he speaks of abstract topics in front of his chalkboard, but you’d have the same story if you substituted in the word “trust.” And anyone who has had their trust violated in a serious and seriously unexpected way knows just how emotionally terrorizing it can be.
Trust/expectations are at the foundation of relationships. I don’t think I’d find many people who disagree with that statement, so let’s assume it’s true. Let’s assume it’s true that a relationship without trust is as good as rubble.
Here, then, becomes the question: Can you ever know someone, and not just your mental model of them? Put another way, can you ever legitimately trust your trust in someone? Can a relationship ever be more than a shared illusion?
I wrote a whole bunch after this, but I wasn’t too satisfied with it, so I think it’s best to end with those questions.
